and Why I’m Crying on a Second Date

Photo by Jasmine Carter on Pexels

I warned him that if we approached the subject of existing while Black in any capacity, it would result in an onslaught of tears.

I can’t help but be sensitive to the topic of having to navigate predominantly white spaces while being acutely aware that our existence makes people uncomfortable. I wasn’t prepared for this conversation, but I could sense that my date had a bit to get off his chest. In a world where self-expression is an act of resistance, who was I to silence him?

There’s something oddly comforting about being able to discuss shared trauma and conditioning…

Me and my dad

He told me that he’d kill me. He said it while talking in his sleep, so I didn’t take it personally. I don’t know why this happens, but he fights the same two or three battles every night and shouts the same threats, like he’s reliving something in his dream or planning his next move. It’s always “Ambra, I’ll kill you” and “do not fuck with me,” emphasis on the f. And sometimes it’s “I’ll tear you a new asshole,” “I’m the Devil” and “God, forgive me,” for good measure.

And despite being cast as one of the many demons…

A young black woman and black man embracing each other with a kiss
A young black woman and black man embracing each other with a kiss
Photo by Avonne Stalling on Pexels

When I wrote a break-up text message in my notes on my phone, I knew the relationship wouldn’t last. I called it during the first week we started dating, I told him it seemed “too good to be true,” and I was right. Turns out he had a baby on the way and was engaged to another woman. Tant pis.

When he sat me down and told me he 100% didn’t want children and that I should decide what that meant for our relationship, I knew it was over. How did he put it, “You’re choosing imaginary children over me?”…

I found a man on a dating site named K.S. and I swiped right. He swiped right, too, and that red notification bubble immediately delivered that instantaneous and fleeting ping of gratification.

It could have been the hundredth right swipe and that’s a conservative estimate for my first few days of activity.

I swiped right for 3 reasons, each represented by a photo on his profile. I especially enjoyed the one where he was posed in front of a rocky landscape with ocean just beyond. He had this hypnotizing smile that drew me in, surrounded by his trimmed beard. I…

Ambra Jordan

In relentless pursuit of my best self | Smiling is my signature look

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