The Moments I Knew the Relationships Were Over & Some Other Rambling Thoughts

A young black woman and black man embracing each other with a kiss
Photo by Avonne Stalling on Pexels

When I wrote a break-up text message in my notes on my phone, I knew the relationship wouldn’t last. I called it during the first week we started dating, I told him it seemed “too good to be true,” and I was right. Turns out he had a baby on the way and was engaged to another woman. Tant pis.

When he sat me down and told me he 100% didn’t want children and that I should decide what that meant for our relationship, I knew it was over. How did he put it, “You’re choosing imaginary children over me?” Tough.

When he forgot that he was sharing his location with me and lied about what he was doing and with whom, it was all downhill from there.

And don’t get me started about when he told me to “stop complaining” as I was expressing myself about how emotionally taxing my week had been (pandemic, George Floyd, my brother’s overdose). The nerve.

When I wanted to set boundaries in our relationship, he said he couldn’t make any promises that he wouldn’t sleep with other women. “I’m not saying I plan on doing it, I’m saying I can’t say I won’t.” Boy, bye!

When I candidly asked him if he wanted to be together, he said “I’m not answering any of these questions, it seems you’re not understanding,” “you’re not understanding because you don’t want to,” “…everything is clear.” That’s a long winded way to say “no.”

What the hell is going on in the world of dating? Has it always been this way? Is it truly this difficult to meet someone who shares the same values, respects you, and actually wants to be with you?

Is it just me or has lying, cheating and manipulating become the dating norm?

I’m just looking for a partner.

I’m looking for someone who enjoys experiences and spending quality time together. I’m looking for someone who likes to cuddle but not for too long because that shit gets hot.

I’m looking for someone who is willing to take the risk of eating the food I cook while I continue learning new recipes. I want to create art for my partner, and sing to my partner. I want to remind him how smart and capable he is. I want to be silly with him and get serious with him.

I want to be able to work through disagreements without yelling at each other. And when we rise to the point of raising our voices, I want to be able to come back to each other and apologize. I want to be able to give each other space to process or to just be alone when needed.

I want him to hang out with his friends while I hang out with mine, without either of us worrying. I want to trust him and I want him to trust me. I want to be vulnerable with him and cry and laugh with him. I want my cheeks to hurt from smiling so much when I’m with him.

Too much to ask?

When I expressed my discontentment with not spending any time together and he responded by making more excuses as to why he couldn’t spend time with me, I knew I deserved better.

When he played the victim “I was right, you dumped me” right after giving me a reason why we shouldn’t be together, I knew I deserved better.

When he said “I can’t promise that I won’t end up hooking up with someone else,” I knew I deserved better.

And when he said “Please don’t slide into my DMs later when you’re missing me or lonely or whatever,” and then he proceeded to slide into my DMs and pull up to my apartment a couple of months later…when he was missing me and lonely or whatever, I knew I made the right choice.

I don’t regret ending any of these relationships. My only regret is that I didn’t realize my worth sooner. Being loved and respected by another kind soul is not too much to ask for. It’s the bare minimum.


In relentless pursuit of my best self | Smiling is my signature look

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